2017 Reflection: be brave, be strong, be independent.

I decided I wanted to have some monthly reflection in 2018 and posting here seems to be a good way to keep me accountable.  I’m going to  kick it off with a reflection of 2017, what better way to look back on 2018 and see how far I’ve personally come.

2017 began in extreme turmoil, chaos, and hurt.  I never in my life imagined that I would experience the pain I did in that short time.  Witnessing someone you once loved self destruct and attempt to take you with them, is indescribable.  I remember toward the end of the first two months of the year, after I had spent EVERY single night crying, all at once I just realized that I was not present with my children, my own life was falling apart, because I was grasping onto something that I needed to let go of.  I was so sick of crying all the time, I hated looking in the mirror and seeing this girl looking back at me who was destroyed.  I snapped a picture and decided that was it, I would never again allow that to be the girl who stared back at me in the mirror.  I was no longer going to allow a man who was suppose to love me, continue to destroy my life and his.  I knew I could do nothing more for him, I had fought as hard as I could for not only the last two months, but in reality for the last 20 years.  I had given my marriage absolutely everything I could, and there was just no more that I could do to keep fighting it alone.  I had completed the initial paperwork to file for divorce.  They set in my drawer for 24 days before I finally called a friend and asked her to accompany me to the courthouse to file the papers.  I will never forget sitting their listening to the required recording for those filing pro se, one of my best friends and biggest supporters text me and asked how I was doing (knowing I was there filing), I nearly lost it.  He told me to take is slow and breathe, and it would all be ok.  This was one of the most painful things I could have ever imagined doing.  I cannot imagine ending a marriage at any point is easy, but we had been together and just had (not celebrated) our 19th wedding anniversary and 20 years together.  I had been a child when we met, barely 20 years old.  I was now sitting her 40 years old ending all my hopes and dreams.  I’d love to say I felt confident right away, but I wasn’t.  I waited a week and served him.  At that moment, I felt confident.  This was what needed to be done.

Music has played a huge part of my life in 2017.  Just two days before I had filed, we had been at our last tournament club tournament for the season in Columbus, OH.  A few things occurred during that tournament that changed my life and made it painfully clear I needed to get out, and fast.   I hate driving in the winter, really hate it.  In fact, I’m not a fan of driving super long distances alone either.  This time I had to drive it alone, despite the fact that he was in the car.  I drove the entire three hour drive all by myself.  I listened to a lot of music on the way home, but the one that I really remember was the last song that played as I exited the interstate home.  I remember thinking just before that, I did it, I conquered a HUGE fear of mine and did this entire drive alone. I remember looking over at him while he slept and feeling sad, but confident that it was time.

“Say Something”