I decided I wanted to have some monthly reflection in 2018 and posting here seems to be a good way to keep me accountable. I’m going to kick it off with a reflection of 2017, what better way to look back on 2018 and see how far I’ve personally come.
2017 began in extreme turmoil, chaos, and hurt. I never in my life imagined that I would experience the pain I did in that short time. Witnessing someone you once loved self destruct and attempt to take you with them, is indescribable. I remember toward the end of the first two months of the year, after I had spent EVERY single night crying, all at once I just realized that I was not present with my children, my own life was falling apart, because I was grasping onto something that I needed to let go of. I was so sick of crying all the time, I hated looking in the mirror and seeing this girl looking back at me who was destroyed. I snapped a picture and decided that was it, I would never again allow that to be the girl who stared back at me in the mirror. I was no longer going to allow a man who was suppose to love me, continue to destroy my life and his. I knew I could do nothing more for him, I had fought as hard as I could for not only the last two months, but in reality for the last 20 years. I had given my marriage absolutely everything I could, and there was just no more that I could do to keep fighting it alone. I had completed the initial paperwork to file for divorce. They set in my drawer for 24 days before I finally called a friend and asked her to accompany me to the courthouse to file the papers. I will never forget sitting their listening to the required recording for those filing pro se, one of my best friends and biggest supporters text me and asked how I was doing (knowing I was there filing), I nearly lost it. He told me to take is slow and breathe, and it would all be ok. This was one of the most painful things I could have ever imagined doing. I cannot imagine ending a marriage at any point is easy, but we had been together and just had (not celebrated) our 19th wedding anniversary and 20 years together. I had been a child when we met, barely 20 years old. I was now sitting her 40 years old ending all my hopes and dreams. I’d love to say I felt confident right away, but I wasn’t. Then that moment that I served him, I felt confident. This was what needed to be done.
Music has played a huge part of my life in 2017. Just two days before I had filed, we had been at our last tournament club tournament for the season in Columbus, OH. A few things occurred during that tournament that changed my life and made it painfully clear I needed to get out, and fast. I hate driving in the winter, really hate it. In fact, I’m not a fan of driving super long distances alone either. This time I had to drive it alone, despite the fact that he was in the car. I drove the entire three hour drive all by myself. I listened to a lot of music on the way home, but the one that I really remember was the last song that played as I exited the interstate home. I remember thinking just before that, I did it, I conquered a HUGE fear of mine and did this entire drive alone. I remember looking over at him while he slept and feeling sad, but confident that it was time.
I’ll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you And I… am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I… will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you And I… will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-Ooh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongueMaybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave
I just wanna see you (yeah)
I just wanna see you (oh ooh)
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
