Driving to school one day last week, it just hit me all of the sudden, I felt so happy. Nothing in particular had happened that morning, just a typical morning, but there was such peace and happiness in my heart. I then realized that Monday (the 30th) would be six months since my divorce was finally finalized. Amazing how six months can change a person. Then I started thinking back six months before that, and another six moths and so on. How much had my life changed over the last two and a half years? Looking at how those years had brought some major changes in my life, I never would have thought this day would come. The day that I can overall just say…I AM HAPPY.
Two and a half years ago I began the process of moving to our current home. It was my way out. I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it, even if I wasn’t outwardly telling the whole world my plan yet. This is when my healing process began. Over the course of the next eighteen months I’d work through many things, HUGE struggles, painful experiences, and overall had the joy and happiness sucked out of my life. I knew that I had to keep going, I knew that their would eventually be happiness again, but I just couldn’t see it yet.
Six months ago today I was frantically retyping the final decree and preparing to face the judge again in the morning, all while being screamed at and last ditch attempts made at trying to scare me or make me stop the process. As he refused to go to court again, I was terrified that this was just never going to end, and finally he agreed to sign the papers. I still had to get him to actually sign them and hope I could find a notary last minute. Thankfully both happened. Sitting there as they were signed and still nervous about whether the judge would accept them I could see a little bit of light.
Four months ago I started writing in a journal again. I had stopped MANY years ago (seventeen to be exact) when he decided to literally destroy parts of our home looking for it. Its had always been my way of working through what all was in my head, and looking back, had I never stopped, I probably would have realized I needed to get out and found a way sooner. I have written over three hundred pages in the last four months. I spent a lot of time rereading those pages this week. At first I seemed very rambled. I can see all the conflict in my heart and mind. I can see everything as it unfolds in such a different way then at the moment it was happening. Knowing what came next certainly helps with that I’m sure. Looking back at the pain and conflict, the moments of strength and clarification, and ultimately the decisions to be happy.
Yup that’s right the DECISION TO BE HAPPY. It all seems to go back to that attempt a few months ago to take a more “breezy” approach at life. Still working on that one, sometimes much more successfully then other times. You just have to decide to be happy sometimes. Nothing is ever going to be perfect, and there are days I feel like I’m not going to survive, but I’ve learned to send a quick message to my squad and they’ll snap me out of it pretty quickly, or help me work through it if needed. I learning to not react to everything that happens as it happens, but rather give myself time to think about it and how my reaction will effect my own happiness. I’m learning that my mistakes will not end the world but will help me grow. Most importantly I’ve learned I do not NEED anyone else to be happy or make me happy. I’ve always known this, but now, I am living it.
There is something pretty powerful about owning the fact that you make you happy. There is a huge difference from saying it and feeling it. Realizing it, owning it, living it, makes it SO much easier to actually feel happiness. I’ve spent some time thinking about what I need in future relationships. I had always felt like I needed to get to the point that I was happy on my own before I attempted to be in a relationship of any kind ever again. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d ever get to that point, and that added to the I’ll be alone forever feeling. Now, I can see so much more clearly what I need and what I have to offer. What’s more important is I also can see that even if I am alone forever, I’ll be ok and I’ll still be happy.
I have no idea where I’ll be in the next 6 months, but I’m pretty excited to see where they will take me. I may have no control over anything else that happens, but I’m secure in one thing…my decision to be happy will make whatever happens amazing!
Share something in the comments that makes you feel happiness today!