One of my biggest struggles lately comes from the feeling of being in love with my life and so happy, yet having sad days. This week has been hard, facing two issues that need to be stopped/fixed, yet I feel incredibly guilty for feeling anything but happy. I have come through the storm and experienced the beauty of the rainbow on the other side. The bad or hard days I have now don’t even put a dent into what a minute of those days in the eye of the storm were like. Feeling sad or having a bad day makes me feel like a hypocrite, so I’ve had to find a way to put on some armor and battle it!
The house was quiet, all the kids were in bed, its like every mom’s dream. A moment of peace at the end of the day, no one asking me a question every 3 minutes, I never had to hit the pause button during the show, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I knew when I sat down to watch this episode that it was going to be a tear jerker, I should have been more prepared. It’s only fair to note that I wear my heart on my sleeve (ok…most of the time, sometimes I hide that shit behind the brick wall, but that’s an entirely different post) and even cry when I laugh sometimes, so I’m typically prepared for some tears. I wasn’t however prepared for the water works that would happen.
Near the end of the show, when the emotions were at their peak, I got up during a commercial to refill my drink. As I walked back to the couch I glanced over at a piece of mail I had just received. It was addressed to Ms. Jen Fitzpatrick and family, wow…that almost feels like a kick in the pants. As the show continued, my emotions got the better of me and I could feel the tears forming, and then they began to swell in my eyes like little puddles, finally spilling out onto my cheeks and making a run for it down my face.
You see the character in the show who was potentially dying was laying in the hospital bed surrounded by people. As one of the other characters was notified of what was happening, she came to her bedside and began to explain to the others that the “dying” character was in love, she had secretly been seeing someone for months and they had fallen in love. Her other friends/co workers had no idea, because she didn’t want to be judged.
The rush of emotions hit. First, let me clear this up quickly, I’m NOT secretly in love. It just reminded me of how I’ve felt the last several months. The constant judging on whether or not I was ready to date or gasp, should it happen, be in a relationship again. Everyone seems to have an opinion on when I’ll be ready…and I do mean EVERYEONE! Then the piece of mail…Don’t call me Mrs., I don’t need to be a Mrs ever again, but at that moment, the Ms. just seemed to signify the aloneness I was feeling. Then as the character wakes up, they finish the episode scanning to all the different people cuddled up next to their loved ones, obviously looking at each other with appreciation. More tears…and then the hate creeped in my heart. The feeling of being robbed of being loved, having someone look at me in that way, feeling at that moment that maybe he was right, maybe no one will ever love me, because I’m just not good enough. Here I sit peacefully with all my children safely sleeping in their beds under one roof….alone. I had made it, I had survived the young years, and finally had the time to breathe, sit quietly and enjoy some peace before bed vs collapsing into exhaustion like I had for so many years….but instead of sharing that with anyone, I’m sitting here alone. Yup….now the emotion turned to self-pity. At this point I grabbed the biggest box of Kleenex I could find and headed to bed, sobbing to the point of exhaustion and fall asleep.
As I woke up this morning to my 3rd alarm. The first two being shown who was boss pretty quickly. I wanted to just lay there all day. I wanted to get up take the kids to school (really I wished I could teleport them there so I wouldn’t have to get up) and come home and crawl back in bed. Instead, I got up, put on real clothes (not the normal throw on sweats to run them to school clothes, please just look the other way if you see me like this, sometimes its all the energy I can muster in the mornings), and walked to my closet for shoes.
It’s no secret I have a thing for shoes (thanks for passing that one down Meme). But I have one particular pair of shoes that are more like armor to me. I remember looking at them and thinking I must have these shoes. I tried them on and sent the girls a photo. I had NO reason to buy these shoes, nothing to wear them for (thinking like a practical almost single mom), but they both said BUY THEM. As I paced the store aisle looking at them in the mirror, I felt something. When you suddenly add 3 inches to a tiny 5’2 person…WOW…I mean did you know the things you can reach and see at 5’5….it’s incredible! When you put on these thin heeled borderline death traps, there is a power you feel. You have to, you feel all the muscles in your legs helping balance you, wear them long enough and your legs begin to feel powerful, the way they do as they carry you through the first mile of a run. After several minutes of pacing and deliberation, I bought them.
I have worn these shoes several times since I bought them. Not because they are my only pair of black heels…ha…we won’t talk about how many pairs of black heels, many of which are much more sensible than these that I have, but because they feel like armor. There is no way possible to walk around in these shoes and be sad because you feel bad ass! These shoes make me feel like I have a little bubble around me. Your harsh words and judgments, the sadness and uncertainty, all of it just leaves me. It bounces off the bubble, at least until I’m home and take the shoes off. So on days like today when I’m feeling anything but confident and happy and need to face two separate, painful things I have to do today, I throw on my armor and deal with my day!