One of the things I struggle with most from the years of mental/emotional abuse is the idea of being “enough”. When your constantly told you’re not enough for someone, or they are doing things to make you feel like your not, or when all your flaws whether real or projected from the abuser are being pointed out, it is a hard mountain to climb. I stopped sitting at the bottom and I started climbing that mountain a couple of years ago. It was slow at first and as I got stronger I managed to get closer and closer to the top. There are days I hit a rough patch and slide back down a bit, but I haven’t given up…yet.
Knowing all I had to overcome, I have a wall built up. I stay safely behind it, no windows or doors to allow people to get in. As I got stronger I slowly started removing the wall. Allowing myself to be free to be vulnerable and open to feeling things besides numbness. That was extremely scary and difficult to allow myself to let go. I knew when I began the process there was a good chance I may experience times that I wanted to rebuild it and quickly. Even more terrifying was the potential of facing heart-break and the horrible pain that comes along with it.
A few months ago I got to a point that I had removed enough of the wall that the numbness seemed to be going away. I was starting to feel things again. I had a couple of major meltdown freak out moments that I retreated to solitude and just had to regain my footing before moving on. Each time I came out able to remove more of the wall until finally I was to the point of almost complete vulnerability. Surprisingly it didn’t kill me. I actually felt alive again and the numbness was gone. Being open to vulnerability with people again, allowed for this feeling of connecting, which ultimately led to a satisfied, content, happy state of mind.
Unfortunately I have had a few very sharp stabs at the heart the last few weeks and have instead of feeling strong enough to just retreat to solitude while I regained my strength, the pain was too deep and reconstruction plans for the wall began. But then I decided to stop. I’m not going to rebuild my wall. Instead I’m planting a forest. A beautiful forest of trees and flowers, all the memories of all the good and bad things that have been part of my journey up the mountain. Rather then shut people out again, I’ll just wait for the people who are willing to walk through the forest, see all the good and bad I’ve been through and instead of turning back or getting distracted by something new and shiny, they just keep walking until they find me on the path. If I have learned nothing else over the last few years, especially the last couple of months, I AM ENOUGH. I’m more than enough. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I have more to offer then a lot of people are even willing to even consider giving to another person. For those people who don’t make it up the path, retreat or get distracted, I’ll just plant a tree to remember them and keep on walking. After all if I’ve learned nothing else on my most recent expedition, I’ve seen my true worth. So when I look at those newly planted trees, instead of being sad, I will remember how I learned to value myself more, I am enough, and I can keep walking with my head held a bit higher knowing my worth, knowing I AM ENOUGH!