When you begin working on yourself, which really should never end, you tend to look at the good that you are going to get from it, never really expecting the “knock you on your ass” things that could occur. I have no regrets about the work I’ve done. It’s hard, really hard to look at yourself and make necessary changes. It’s tough to own your issues, face your fears, let go of people and things that don’t align with who you are or who you want to become. The worst thing for me is always walking away from the people, it’s probably like that for most people I would imagine. Cutting that connection you have with someone seems to feel like you just stabbed a knife in your side. I never want to believe that there isn’t good in everyone I meet. I always feel like I’m judging someone if I see the bad. I know that’s not logical or healthy, I know I have to see it in order to protect myself, its just so very difficult!
Sometimes the people you walk away from have been in your life for a short time, but then there are the ones that have been in your life for what seems like forever. I’m not sure either one is harder then the other, different, but both difficult, especially depending on the role played by those individuals.
Recently I had to reevaluate a particular relationship in my life, one that held a lot of importance to me. I never would have dreamed that things would have unfolded in the way they did, and I certainly wasn’t in a place to see it ending at this time.
I’ve been working on not having an emotional response first to things. Trying to view things more compartmentalized, you know the way a man does. Overall, I’ve gotten much better at this, well except for that one text I will live to regret, ugh. Taking a moment to respond to things vs saying exactly what I’m feeling at that moment. Sometimes the feelings are still there, the words and reaction just come out much better with a little time to think first.
As these events in this circumstance unexpectedly happened and I got knocked on my ass pretty damn hard, repeatedly…I had to take a deep look at the way I have allowed people to treat me and more importantly why I allow it. I had to dig deep and really look at the history of the relationship with this person and force myself to determine what needs of mine were and weren’t being met, what behaviors I was allowing to occur that I really wasn’t OK with, yet allowed myself to be a door mat in some cases, and ultimately why I would or would not be OK with things ending now. I’m not going to lie, there were A LOT of tears shed, one or two instances of flat out screaming at the top of my lungs in the car just to get it out, some writing and lots of talking through things that occurred in the process. At the end of it all, I realized I had a relationship with someone that mirrored my marriage in so many disturbing ways. As much as it pained me to end such a long relationship, I had to step away.
The days since this decision was made haven’t been the easiest. I have slowly had to remove myself and ultimately decided I would just have to disappear the best I could, despite the numerous mutual connections. Although, once again I’m looking back over the incredible personal growth that had to occur to get to this place, I am also a little scared. Scared to trust myself in judgement of peoples character. Will I always miss the signs of this particular type of behavior? Will I wrongfully shut someone out in fear they “could” be the same? I guess these questions are the perfect example of why we need to always keep working on ourselves.